No, I'm not a scuba diver....

[scubasteve657]

Hey i stumbled upon this site while researching mental "disorders".  I haven't actually been diagnosed with bp and i'm still learning about it.  i find the atmosphere on this site quite comfortable.

i've always been a bit unstable and severely moody but in the last year or two i've started having cycling manic & depressive episodes, intermingled with some powerful spiritual practices.  I got caught up in grandiose ideas; i actually was claiming to be opening a computer business, a restaurant, and renovating an apartment - all at the same time.  oh and i wanted to buy the building too...thought i could.  i spent $6000 in credit cards in a month or two, mostly on stuff i've since gave away.

then an old female friend found me on the f***book and i ended up pursuing delusional fantasies about her.  when she finally told me to back off i gave away all my stuff and left to live in the woods, but with no supplies i only lasted a week and then hitchhiked 2000km to stay with a woman i didn't know in an attempt to start a spiritual community.  after i tried to force my dad to give me all his possessions...

Once all that fell through i ended up back home, then on my sister's couch for a month, then back in my old apt.  Where i started to fall into an incredibly deep depression.  I would watch sci-fi shows constantly.  i would watch at least 10 episodes a day and absolutely feel like my mind was being shredded, and spend all my time considering how to best to end my life if i could get the balls to do it.

Finally i fell back on my spirituality and made amends with the girl, but this only led to another more severe manic episode.  I thought it was a positive change; i was at peace with my family, my old friends, and i felt great.  i also wasn't sleeping and couldn't shake the delusions so it all fell apart, and i spent the next month or three in a small dark apartment trying to figure out how to keep everyone out of my life, not work at all and sleep as long as i possibly could.  i wasn't just that i thought i was horrible this time but that i was starting to develop a record to prove it.  my regular bedtime was about 6am at this time, but eventually i was only sleeping about every second morning.

And now things are on the upswing.  i made peace with my parents and have an apartment with excessive sunshine.  i've largely lost touch with all my old friends, one maybe permanently but i can't be sure. i feel i'm learning to deal with the realities of my life.  i know soon enough i'll be trying to sabotage it again but knowing i'm entering a manic phase i'm more able to recognize which thoughts to ignore. i haven't yet gone off the deepend yet but i feel like i could run a marathon, and i wanna fight, which is frustrating cause i'm scrawny and gimpy and wouldn't last 10 seconds in a fight.

Anyway i love that i can just babble on this forum and it doesn't really matter.  and it'll actually be read...this is a pretty cool site

[nordicnicki]

sounds like you have been on a bit of an adventure be it real or not.........you said that you havent been diagnosed with bp is that because you have never approached a doctor about it or that you are being assessed right now ?
you are right about the site it is a very comfortable place to be in  and you are taken as you are what ever the mood and you can express yourself.
the way you were describing your adventures made me think about all the crazy things that i have done over time and i have to say that sometimes a small portion of me misses the manic highs....but i definately dont miss the depression.thankfully  right now what i am taking seems to be working with the occassional blip.

i liked reading your post and hope that we here more from you and how it all goes in your life

[scubasteve657]

i've never approached a doctor....always thought they were quacks.  still do but i'm starting to see the usefulness of diagnosis.

[Phyllis]

Nice to meet ya!

What a long strange trip it's been for you! Getting a diagnosis from a professional could prove to be a positive option for you, in a way that you would truly know what is ailing you. From there you could get on the right track. Of course they are going to want you to take meds, but I understand that is not the way you want to go. I don't know of anyone who has BP that has not been on meds at one time or another. So, it will take a lot of work on your part to do extra research.

[Paz]

 Welcome! Nova Scotia, eh? My husband is from Quebec...but don't worry, he is not a separatist.

[scubasteve657]

ahh separatists can be cool too; i lived with a separatist of a bit...he was also a nudist.  Quebec's beautiful, i stayed in drummondville for 3 months.

[Paz]

 We got married in Montreal, honeymooned in Quebec city, and lived in Montreal for 5 years. A really great city!

[chasemanzmum]

welcome to our creative venue..I'm chasemanzmum