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Joe Buck
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« on: November 23, 2009, 08:31:28 PM » |
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Death From Adultery
Two men meet at the pearly gates of heaven. The first man says to the second, "Hey! How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." "Wow that must be a terrible way to die. What's it feel like?" says the first man. "Well at first it hurts," says the second man, "But after a while everything goes numb and it's very peaceful. Like drifting off to sleep almost.
"How did you die?" "Oh I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day to catch her in the act. I ran into her room but she was sitting there knitting. So I ran down to the basement and no one was there. I ran to the first floor but no one was there either. So I ran up the steps to the attic but just as I was halfway up the steps I had a massive heart atack and died."
"How ironic," Says the second man. "Why's that?" Says the first. "If you'd only looked in the freezer then we'd both still be alive."
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Fishing With Grandpa
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"
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What Do I Wear?
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' 'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.'
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Bad Day
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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