Do's and Don'ts (For Friends and Family)

[high maintenence]

This subject has been pulled up from a long time ago. It is neat to read my responses. Things change so quickly for us, and it is informative to see how different I feel now about the issues that I stated. My mind has changed about alot of the things I stated.

[amri1982]

I loved reading this, and since I am a spouse of someone who has Bp, it does help me understand him a bit more.. but at the same time, i know he suffers every day and i wish i could do more.  But I too need love and understanding.  When i see the man i love spewing hateful things at me, or telling my parents what a horrible wife i am, or upseting my son, i just cant stay patiently and listen to these things... i have tried to be patient and understand but it sometimes get too much.. Dont forget about us too!!  it feels like i live with 2 different people each day and it can get too much...

[Cathy]

Hi Amri, it seems to me that your spouse is behaving unacceptably and I don't think you should have to put up with that and let him blame it all on Bipolar. Even if the behaviour is beyond his control he still needs to take responsibility for it. Just my 2 cents.

[francie reregistered]

I agree.

As human beings, we have the responsibility to let others know how we feel, and not take it out on them. 

I remember when i was married and the kids were still around, i would tell everyone i was having a bad day or was feeling ill, so they'd know in case i was (accidentally) not very nice or tolerant of others. 

I do think others need to respect our feelings, but we can also let them know when we are having a terrible time (that is, when we realize we are... i understand that sometimes, we don't even realize it).

sending hugs to everyone ~~francie

[high maintenence]

Amri..It sounds like your husband is a bit like me. I get irate sometimes. The med I'm on now seems to be helping alot. I haven't cussed my husband and kids for a couple of weeks now. I know, it sounds horrible that it happens in my home, but I'm just being honest. I don't really know what you can do about it for yourself. I have a wonderful husband that is so very understanding. He talks to the kids and is a good father to them and tells them that I don't mean these things that I am saying or doing. I have lost alot of credibility from them, but I understand why. They don't listen to anything I say at all, whether it be good or bad, right or wrong, but I guess i just have to try to gain my credibility back. My kids remember when I wasn't like this, so they do know that this is not "mommy" and my husband knows the same. He comes on here sometimes. FROG...maybe he can address this post for you and see if he can help. I can tell you that although some say on here that we can control this, I definitely cannot control it. Like I said, things are a little better now, but as you can see, it was all in a med change that helped me gain control. Now that I am under control, I can begin working with a therapist to change my behaviors, but before, I honestly did not have control. I would say to myself inside "why are you doing this" and I would be saying that at the exact same time as I was having the bad behavior. I do tell them that I don't want to be this way. They know that I don't want to be this way because I say it constantly. I think that it's that knowledge that gives my husband the patience he has. He sees me cry and just fill myself with guilt for the things that I do and he knows that this is not me. He does lose his cool sometimes. When he fights back, it creates a monster in me sometimes. If he just takes control of whatever situation that I am angry about and completely removes it from my hands, I calm down. Just get me out of the situation himself and take it on for himself is what I usually need. He is my defender, without using my illness as an excuse. It is usually something that should be addressed that makes me angry, like if one of the kids won't get up in the morning for school, or if they try to wear school clothes outside to play and there are countless other scenarios that I could mention. I might ask the kids if they are stupid? I may yell at them all day over such a silly thing like these that I just mentioned, but if my husband just takes it out of my hands, and corrects whatever made me angry, I usually calm down. It's very tough for my family and I THANK GOD that they love me this much. I know if my children had a choice, they would still stay with me. They do love me that much and it creates such guilt within me. It's hard, and I don't know if I could handle it if the shoe was on the other foot!

[Frog]

amri1982

My wife high is type 2 bp. and i know what you are talking about it is very hard to live with someone that has bp. you never know what there mood will be it can be happy one mint to anger to crying the next. they can go from loving you to tell you that they hate you the next. so how do you coup with this, the only thing i can tell you is when i married high i said through sickness and health for better or worse, and i meant it. You have to look deep inside you and find that love you have for them and never never let that go. And yes you are living with two different people now. I know that the words hurt but just rememberer that he was not all ways said that to you. So when he does you must let it bounce off you and remember the love he has for you. And for your son the only thing i can tell you is to talk with him and let him know what is going on with dad. make sure when you talk to the kids that you tell them that there dad loves them, and it is the sickness that make him say thing that is hurt full.

[high maintenence]

He made that sound so easy, but I know it's not. It can't be.

[amri1982]

wow.. thank you all for your postings... the thing is, i can manage him and deal with all of it if i was on my own with him.  But we have an infant son (he's a year and a few months) and i just find it so hard to deal with both.  Now, a good example is what happened last night... Baby had a small tantrum (i just took him out of the bath - which he loves - to dry him off for bed) and was screaming.. hubby came in and started accusing me of dropping him and then he started verbally abusing my mother - all in front of our baby!! When i told him, baby was having a tantrum because of the bath - he kept saying i was lying to him.. then he yelled at my mother saying she chased her husband away (my mother is divorced since i was born) and that she wanted me to be single too.. the thing is, i want my son to grow up in a happy and loving home.. i dont want him to be scared of his father.. already, when hubby is in one of his moods or going through an episodes, baby doesnt even come near him.. this incident was completely uncalled for and completely unnecessary.. i dont know if it is because he is on lower medicine or what the cause is..  i am hurt about this..

now, the new thing is, i dont feel like i could be intimate with him either.. i love him very much but it someitmes very hard to seperate the man from the disease.. i know i should be more patient and more caring.. which i do try but sometimes it feels like i am talking to a blank wall.. when he's well, i have told him how i feel and i need some support.. but i dunno..

sometimes it feels like i am alone in our marriage.. when he's well, he's a wonderful caring man who is willing to help out and manage the house with me.. but when he's unwell and gets angry, i dont feel like giving him any work or asking him to be responsible for anything.. because i never know if it will get done either..

you guys probbaly think i am a horrible wife but honestly, i have tried.. sometimes i think i should get a divorce but then i remember the sweet man i fell in love with and he's the father of my child.. 

[high maintenence]

I don't think you are horrible...One think I would consider if I were you, is to go your own way, you and your baby, go stay at your mothers, or wherever it is that you would go. Do you think he would go on a rampage if you did that? Anyway, as I was saying, while you won't be living in the same house, you could still support him by letting him know that the situation is just until he gets better and you can still see him daily and go to the docs/therapists with him. If you ask me, I think he needs serious medication attention and a hospital stay if he wants to save your marriage. If he doesn't want to get that help he needs, then you can't do it either. You can't fix him. He has to do it, but you can still be supportive. That's just what I would do I think. I don't think I could be like my husband and just sit and endure the shit I put him through.

About the intimacy, my husband could care less if I'm an ogre one minute, he can still want to have sex a minute later. I think that's just a difference between a man and a woman. I can be mad over him not taking out the trash and not want to have sex with him for days.

I can't really be responsible about much either. If the bills were left for me to pay, I would fall to pieces, as well as I would with other types of responsibilities. My husband handles most everything. I try to instruct him on things that he needs to do, but most times, I don't even have enough mind to do that.

You have to separate the man from the illness. You must learn to do that. Do remember that sweet man, and don't feel like you're horrible, because the fact is that most spouses would have given up by now and it shows that you care for him, just the fact that you are on here talking to us shows that you care. He is not going to see this until he is stable. Go to the doctor with him and tell the doc these things. He may send him to the hospital.

[amri1982]

oh i am so thankful for this blog... thank you again! i sometimes need a place i can vent out.. so far, no episodes (well since mon) and things seem to be ok.  trying to make things work, thats all i can do...

i cant emphasize enough what a wonderful man he is - when he is well.. I consider myself lucky, because knowing friends whose husbands beat them, cheat on them, etc. he's kind and considerate.. i always joke and say, unless a gorgeous girl has a fancy gadget on her (either a laptop or a new funky phone), hubby is never look at her!

THANK YOU ALL

[high maintenence]

I hope all continues to go well

[amri1982]

so far things are ok again.. but is it true that people with Bp really really need their sleep? like 10-15 hours? hubby was told he needs to sleep a lot so now he becomes a diva when light comes into the room early morning...  haha.. sometimes i dont know whether to laugh or cry when that happens.. considering i sleep so little with the small guy getting up in the nights..

[high maintenence]

What do you mean that he becomes a "diva"? What does he do in the mornings. Is he sleeping. It is 2am here, so as you can see, I'm not sleeping, AGAIN!

[amri1982]

diva meaning he has to have perfect darkness when he sleeps, otherwise he will wake up upset.  He also has to have no garlic/ginger in his food - this includes at restaurants... he also demands certain things when he goes out... this is when he is upset.. otherwise he is quite happy eating the same food...

i found a doc here - but he is now convinced that he will be put away if he goes... also, the doc will gossip about him.. when i spoke to the doctor, he told me the Olanzapine is not enough.. he should take another medicine along wtih it.. olanzapine is apparently a sedative and he should take a mood stabilizer, is this true?  i hate taking medicine personally, so i am at odds with this.. but if it helps him, thats all i care about...

i have heard he should see someone regularly about his condition, is this true? the last time he went to see a doc was last year sept!!! now, his parents/uncle controls his dose which i think is wrong.. personally i think he should see someone who can monitor him carefully and regularly!!

i am so angry because i have to deal with everything - house, maid, baby, my work!! its ok if i had some support, which sometimes i do.. but when he gets mad that its hot outside, and his airconditioning is not enough, what can i do??? i try and be supportive, organize what i can.. but i need some support.. i feel like this marriage is falling apart... i am scared i may grow to hate him sometimes.. but then he shows his loving side and i feel helpless again and i see the man i fell in love with.. 

[Phyllis]

Olanzapine (Zyprexa) is an atypical anti psychotic used to treat schizophrenics and depressive episodes associated with bipolar disorder. Yes, he should be taking more, in my opinion. Most of us here take anywhere from 5 - 8 different meds. It sounds like he totally needs a mood stabilizer, maybe even another anti psychotic in conjunction with the Zyprexa.