Assorted Jokes 2

[Joe Buck]

 What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"

While a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."       

The little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!" 

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

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Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"


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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women?

Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.


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What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?

In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."


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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."


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A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.

Her husband asked her, "How it went?"

She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."


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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. 

"I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said.

"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient.

"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."