Surviving in a Bipolar Marriage

[Phyllis]

you are totally not burdening us with your situation. We are here to help to the best of our abilities, to give you some insight from our point of view. I know this has been said before, but, being married to a person who has BP is very difficult, the divorce rates are high. It takes a special person to stick in there for all the highs, lows, and in betweens. It can be a very daunting task. It sounds like you are trying to stick in there and that is commendable. I would talk to the Uncle and see what he has to say. Does he know that your husband has BP?

[high maintenence]

how is his situation with the psychiatrist and meds???

[amri1982]

Thanks Phyllis for your kind words.. I had a LONG chat with Uncle and he seemed to understand more, i think this time around.  We've talked about this over the phone and i think speaking face-to-face really sunk in the message.  I also hinted (actually said out loud!) that this situation is not just affecting me but also our little son.  When hubby throws this fits and has his episode, sonny just gets scared of Dada and just stays away from him which breaks my heart and his.  I also mentioned, if we really don't take this seriously, i might have to file for seperation and not to be surprised if i do.  I think that sunk in.

In the meantime, hubby has been quite good for the past week or so, which i am proud of and i told him too. 

In regards to doc/meds, he's on Olanzapine only - 5mg (down from 10mg - gradual drop) but no doc.  We had a doc here but she prescribed something that is banned in most countries so after that, hubby refused to see her.  have to find someone new.  Unlike in the West, its hard to find good doctors for this condition out here.  Its frustrating but what to do....

Oh, he might end up going abroad for work for 6 weeks in the summer.  I think the seperation will do him some good. 

[high maintenence]

he needs a doc

[francie]

I think a doctor would help immensely. 

While he has his moods, your husband probably can't help his behavior, especially if he has no coping skills.  It is helpful to develop some good coping skills when we are involved in a relationship and have family. 

I used to let my family know when i wasn't feeling well, but i had kids and i couldn't just ignore them.  It's hard for everyone.

sending all best wishes.

[k]

i know that i'm jumping in a little late but what always frustrates the heck out of me is that this bipolar thing is a real legimate disability. it means that some of us cannot function and take care of things that regular people can.  to me it's so like having a physical disability or illness. it means the exact same thing.  yet, most people can see right off that those with physical ailments need extra help.  i don't mean just from a spouse because a spouse can't do it all alone.  but extra help from family and community and medical resources.  you know if i had cancer and could hardly get out of bed i'm sure "family" members wouldn't think twice about wanting to help with cooking, shopping, cleaning etc.  with other disabilities people often qualify for paid for support with these kinds of things.   the thing is is that the extra support can really free up some of that little energy and effectiveness we often have. 
yet, while i believe this whole heartedly, everytime i think of calling to have someone come clean my house or do the shopping or do yard work or something i start thinking well that's stupid i SHOULD be able to do this myself.   my husband and i struggle with this concept constantly.  i sometimes get angry at his family because i know they believe well we're able bodied people we should take care of ourselves.  the problem is is that we can't.  i want to scream at them sometimes.  they call, they say we love you and hope you are well and then they cook a meal and take it over to a sick friend, argh!
and as some of you have met elwood, my husband, and he's bipolar as well and i gotta say 2 bipolars don't really add up to one whole person.
anyway i think a lot of us need practical support, as well as a pdoc.
anyway, sorry to jump in so late.   and i wish you the best amri, and high and all of us.

[high maintenence]

I totally agree with K. Thank God that I do have an able-bodied and able-minded husband or I honestly don't know how I would survive. He does the cooking and the cleaning and he does everything that I can't to the best of his ability. "NO", it's not done the way I would do it, but I have learned to accept the way he does things. I have to accept the way that he does it because I can't gripe about how he does things when I don't do them at all. I rarely ever have the energy to cook, or clean. I have done better about making it to church, and to school activities, but it takes all the energy that I have. I don't shower the way that I should because of my lack of energy and I don't fix myself up or get dressed up like I used to. It just takes so much out of me. My husband understands, but I still can't help but wonder how long he can do this. How long before he finds a woman that will get fixed up for him, cook for him, and clean for him. He says he'll never leave me, but all of you know as well as I do that he can't promise me that. You never know what kind of opportunity can or will come along for him. All I can do is pray and pray. I, like K, think of it as the disability that it is and I hope that my husband thinks that way to. I can't imagine him walking out on me if I had cancer or some other physical illness. He's a wonderful man, and I hope that he will always be here for me and the kids.

[k]

jennifer  you are lucky in frog (sorry don't know his real name)  but i just get the feeling he is incredibly in love you with and accepts you "warts" and all.  there are no guarantees even in a perfectly wonderful healthly marriage.  believe what he says and ask him to promise on what ever is holy to him that if he is having second thoughts that he will tell you.    and, again,  disability, if there is help get it. able mind doesn't always add up without able body.   you have history with frog and that's good.  you have love and intimacy and focus on that. even if it's not so much currently active.  i can live forever on the incredible love and intimacy rick and i shared at the beginning of our relationship.  so many people forget about that.  memories and history are quite a tie.  jennifer despite your disability i can tell that you are an incredibly loveable person.   accept frog at his word.  let go accept yourself and your limitations and work from there.  you are so young. you have held your family together in spite of all the hardship. be proud of that.  i know financial times are tough.  if i could help you i would in a second.  feel blessed in your mother.  and keep hope.  you were so smart that you were able to put yourself through school and become an RN.  that is such an accomplishment for people like us.  just because you are not using it now doesn't mean you won't use it in the furture. and even if you never you use it, you probably climbed mount everest to get it.   i have never used my ba but i am still incredibly proud of what it took for me to get it.
i wish you some peace in security and frog say it a million times a day.  i love you i want you just like you are.

[high maintenence]

Thank you so much for your kind words, K... 

[amri1982]

UPDATE

Well, a few days ago, he got physically violent and scared the crap out of me, he's never done that before and i was really scared. 

he's been going up and down for the past week or so - he scolded his parents, told them that they didnt love him enough thats why he has this condition and basically accused his mother of sleeping with other men and his father is not his real father and all that.  he was ok for a few hours after that, then the next day, i was cooking dinner and i asked him what he would like for breakfast the following day as i had to tell the cook (he had almost assaulted the woman the day before for not making anything - she actually didnt know what he wanted as he normally eats cereal).  he told me he would be eating cereal but if he feels unwell, he wanted something made.  but he wouldnt say when or how he would inform the cook (i am usually at work at this time so i cant really convey the message).  then when i just mentioned, you should inform her early, he got really mad - he started yelling and saying how dare i take a servant's side, and that a wife should always agree with her husband even if she is wrong ( ) and then he started scaring me..

he threw the plate of dinner onto the wall, and the thing shattered.  then the salad bowl was next... and then he came towards me, really mad. i screamed and that startled him.. then he grabed our heavy dining chair and threw it towards the cook and thank God, she was in the kitchen so it bounced off the door.  he grabbed her by her collar and practically threw her out of our flat.  then he pushed me out saying to get out.  i told him, i cant leave without our son (i was bloody scared, because what if he hurt him - trying to hurt me - he has scared him before - see below).  he said he is MY son and shoved me out and locked the door.  I ran to the upper floor of our flat thru the fire escape but he locked that too.  i ran outside and flagged down the security and grabbed a mobile and called my in-laws.  they came 1/2 hour later, and managed to get inside the flat and check on baby.  i got my wallet and phone and just took off to my mum's.  and i have been staying at a family friend's place since.  i managed to get baby too and he's happily staying with me

how my husband scared baby - one day, baby woke up looking for me (i was at work). husband said 'i'm here sweetie, you dont need your mum now.  she's at work'.  but baby kept asking for me and he eventually got mad at baby and told him "why you crying, i am here, you dont need your mother" and this scared the crap of out of my son.. after that, baby started crying more, didnt go to his father for a while.. and even stopped eating his meals..

i love him but i cant do this.. my stress levels have gone up, my health and job is also being affected by this.  its not like i dont try, i cook and organize everything i can for him.. when i make fried rice (after asking him), he wants white plain rice.. if i make chicken, he wants fish.. the list goes on..

[Phyllis]

I hate to say this, but if I were you, I'd get out of there. I remember when I would act like that. It is scary for everyone.

[nordicnicki]

im a bit biased on this subject as i lived in an abusive and violent marraige for quiet a few years thinking things would change and they never did,just got worse.
It upset me when i read your post,its so sad....no matter how much you love someone there is no excuse for treating anyone this way for any reason.
I agree that it is probably best for everyones sake if you seriously thought about getting out of it all,not just for you but for your son too....i know that my kids lived through hell with their dad and i am still trying to readjust them from it four years on.
You get no medals for standing by them because of love.....just fear and misery when you are with someone who is like that.
At the end of the day no one can tell you what you need to do you have to come to that decision for yourself .
I wish you all the best as either way you decide it is hard to do xx

[amri1982]

hi all, thanks for all your support and love.. i am still at my family friend's place.. and i havent seen or heard from hubby.. he has called but i have not really answered the phone.. our son's birthday was yesterday so my mum took him over to see his father and spend some time with his other grandparents and he came home afterwards.. my son is only 2 but he's already showing signs that he's not close to his dad (it makes me feel bittersweet to be honest). when i asked him who he met at 'home' he was like grandma, grandpa, uncle (hubby's close uncle) and thats it.. didnt even mention his dad. also when looking at some photos, he didnt even point out his father.. he's quite scared of him, i think in his own way.. hubby does distrupt him quite often when he's trying to do things...

i think i should slowly move on from this, i am only 27 and i feel like there's a lot of me to give out to the world.. i am tired of being a lapdog, catering to every mood, whim and fancy.. i love him and i really did try - i cooked specially for him, organized his day so nothing qould be disruptive, made sure he took his meds on him, got him involved with music, mediation, took him to doctors, name it, i did it..

i think in a few months, i might leave this country with my son and go and visit some relatives abroad.. get a change in scenery, maybe that will help...

[nordicnicki]

at least now it looks like your trying to think positive and slowly move forwards which is a good sign,for both you and your son....im proud of you for doing that.
i know that we would all dearly love our kids to grow up in a family unit,but these days what exactly is that? you can give your son enough love to cover it and you are still pretty young to be able to move on with your lives....good luck to you

[Phyllis]

I know you are giving 110% I hope things straighten out for you... whatever that may lead to...